The Mom in Me

I'm not exactly sure why, but this Christmas was hard.  I don't have any great epiphany about why that is either.  Maybe it's because we didn't go anywhere, maybe it's because we're all off of our antidepressants that helped us through the first few months after our trials of the previous couple years, maybe it's because without some great tragedy going on in our lives our adrenaline has worn off and we're looking back at the rubble and wondering what's next.  Maybe it's because of a paralyzing fear of "what's going to happen next?".  Whatever it is, this holiday season has been hard. 

I remember when I was pregnant having a fear every time I didn't feel the baby kick for awhile.  I would think how relieved I would be once they were born and I could hold them in my arms.  But then I remember after they were born the fear that they would die of SIDS and often checking to see that they were still breathing while they slept.  I kept thinking how relieved I would be once they hit 6 months and the risk of SIDS would decrease immensely.  Somehow though, there are always new fears creeping in.  I'm scared my children will run out in front of a car, not be seen when someone is backing out, pull a dresser down on them, fall down or off of something high up, get into a car accident, choke, get shot, drown, the list goes on and on and on.  I become paralyzed by fears. 

And then I read some story or post of how some child tragically died in some crazy way that could have been prevented if only......if only someone had seen, taught them not to do something, secured things better, gotten them on medicine sooner, had back-up sensors, not drank alcohol before driving.  Yes, in theory some things can and should be prevented.  But how do we as parents, as mothers, deal with the fears that we can't see or prevent? 

The truth is, I don't know how to save my children.  I don't know how to protect them from the hurts that will come their way.  I don't know how to keep them safe from every sin and evil out there.  I don't know how to keep them from death.  And the fact that I don't know how TERRIFIES me.  I like to be in control.  I like to think that somehow and in someway I can prevent bad things from happening to my kids if I'm safe enough, do enough and prevent enough.  I feel like a failure when I can't. 

The truth is, none of us can.  Bad things will happen.  Even if every precaution is made.  Even if I have done all in my power to prevent, someone those bad things will still sneak. in.  I have to fight my own will to give that control over to God.  Why is it such a fight?  Perhaps because I fear God.  Don't misunderstand me, I don't mean fear as in scared, although that is a small part of it.  I mean fear as in awe of God's sovereignty.  The more I trust Him with my life, our lives, the more I fear Him.  The more I fear Him, the more I trust Him, desperately clinging to Him.  God grant us all the ability to let go of our fears, and turn our lives over to the great I AM.....

YOU ARE I AM
Artist: MERCYME.
Album: The Hurt & The Healer
I've been the one
To shake with fear
And wonder if
You're even here

I've been the one
To doubt Your love
I've told myself
You're not enough

I've been the one
To try and say
I'll overcome
By my own strength

I've been the one
To fall apart
And start to question
Who You are

You're the One who conquers giants
You're the One who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the One who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the One Messiah
You are I Am

I've been the one
Held down in chains
Beneath the weight
Of all my shame

I've been the one
To believe
That where I am
You cannot reach

The veil is torn
And now I live
With the Spirit inside
The same One
The very same One
Who brought the Son
Back to life

Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me 

Games!

The Naming of the Dolls

All Micaiah wanted for Christmas was "babies".  That's what she told EVERYONE she wanted.  So both Nana and Santa got her babies for Christmas.  We had an interesting conversation about their names.

Me: Ciah, what are your baby's names?

Ciah: This one is Jessica (referring to the pink one with the headband)

Me: What about the other one?

Ciah: Um, Dirty Rock

Me: Your baby's name is Dirty Rock?

Ciah: Yes, Jessica and Dirty Rock.

 

Now a few days later the names have stuck.  When her sisters ask her why she named it that she says "because that's her name." Can't argue with that!  She LOVES rocks and takes one with her wherever she goes, so I think this is a fantastic name to her :)

Donation

Two things motivated me to keep growing my hair over this past year.  One was my aunt's diagnosis with cancer and subsequent needing to use wigs due to her treatments.  She fought the good fight and finished the race earlier this year, but to honor her memory I wanted to help others who need to have something warm made to help cover their heads due to treatments.  The other factor was Gabie's accident.  Her head being shaved to take her skin grafts has really changed her appearance.  Overall she does not notice because they were able to save the front 1/3 of her hair, and I can usually style it to cover it up.  But I wanted to show her